Heaviness

Yesterday was such a great day.  I’m humbled and honored that so many of my family and friends were here to celebrate this milestone birthday with me.  I laughed and cried and enjoyed myself immensely.  I couldn’t ask for a better day.

This morning was spent with the last remnant of family before everyone headed their separate ways.  As they pulled away, I was overcome with grief and sadness.  I can’t explain it – darkness settled over me.  I wasn’t quite right for a couple of hours.  It seems that this heaviness sought me out and grabbed me before I could fight it off. 

I suppose after any important event, it is only natural to come down after the high.  But when I look back at how I felt earlier today, I’m almost embarrassed.  There was just no getting out of that place without tears, mourning, grief.  I know, I know – there are much bigger problems in this world than the post-party-I-can-cry-if-I-want-to-sob fest I let myself have and you are exactly right.  But if you look at your own life, you have been there too – even if you didn’t want to admit it.  The post-graduation-wedding-big vacation-post birth letdown has happened to you.  We grieve what is over – if only for a moment, so that we can focus on the next step – even if that step is unknown, undefined, or unfathomable.  

I let the heaviness win for part of this day, but I’m grateful to Jerry for forcing me to snap out of it.  We sat outside and watched the clouds go by.  We opened up the house for fresh air, we listened to crickets in the middle of the day and most importantly, we enjoyed each other’s company.  It seems I needed this quiet time to regain my perspective to blow out the cobwebs of negativity, to re-center my view. 

Tomorrow is a new day.  I plan to get up early, go running, and continue this journey to wherever God takes me.