The Winter of Discontent Back to that discussion of joy…better yet – the living out of joy. I have a confession to make, I haven’t been very joyful lately – can you tell by the last few posts? And yet here I am in the year of joy and with it being so fresh and new and all I haven’t quite slipped it out of its pretty, iridescent wrapping and really embraced this shiny, new thing. It’s kind of like when I buy journals or new books and *gasp* don’t crack them open. (Check out one of my original posts from the archives on Journals.) I’ve come to realize that I’m in the Winter of Discontent. Yes, I capitalized it to emphasize how much it is affecting me. It has dawned on me that this Winter of Discontent started last year, but it had its beginning long before that…in a showering of seeds that hadn’t quite sprouted until a year ago. You see, I was on that mama high – nearing the end of my leave time after Abby was born. I had about a month to go and the thought of going back made me reel. After every child I wanted to find a way to stay home with them, but it wasn’t to be. But here I was child #3 in my arms and the thought of going back again, for a 3rd time was more than I could bear. We had been praying and pinching pennies, but it wasn’t enough. It was wintry and bitterly cold that January – much like it is now. I stared out into the snow everyday praying for a miracle. I went back and the return was less than smooth for many reasons – a lot of the problems of my own doing, some not. The Winter of Discontent was in full swing. The last big snowstorm of the year happened my first day back to work. I cried. Spring came and now a full year has passed and these scenes, images, repeating themes haunt me. This Winter of Discontent – it never fully went away. But I’m reading a new book and I hope all of you will consider reading it too – One Thousand Gifts. The author, Ann Voskamp is an awesome blogger that I have had the pleasure to read over the last 5 years. In the first couple of chapters she rips my heart wide open and I realized that gratitude – being thankful for where you are right now is what gets me to joy. And even though I have posted that joy flows into those other things, a thankless heart has nowhere to go. So I’m making lists – much like she did – starting small…learning to be thankful / content in all situations. It’s in these things we don’t understand – the supernatural power of gratitude – where I believe the true miracle lies. I look forward to spring and the true end of this Winter of Discontent. I know that I will find that joy stirring up inside me, melting the snow of this thankless heart.

On the Baking of Bread I’ve been baking a lot of bread lately. It’s not like I have a lot of skills or enjoy kneading it – I actually just use my bread maker. It’s not like we need the bread or prefer it over commercial bread. We usually buy a heavy wheat bread as our normal, daily bread and I usually make white Italian bread when I bake it. So I bake the bread, but it’s not for any of the things you would think. I enjoy the smell of it rising and baking and the way it warms the kitchen on these bitterly cold January days. I haven’t even eaten much of the bread that I’ve made. It’s as if the bread represents something to me that I feel like I need to have right now. When I think of what I will be making for dinner, I think “this would be better with fresh bread.” When I think of it baking and the smell, I think of how comforting it is. I make the bread because it has a different meaning to me. This makes me think about how we all process and work through what we experience in life. We carry around this view of how things should be…our collective experience that is the baggage or view we bring to a situation. Through this cloud of “stuff” we interpret our world. We likely apply a different meaning to a situation then what is expected. This cloud contains the good and the bad of what we have been through. The more bad things we hang onto – unforgiveness, really – the likely we are to interpret situations in a negative way. This is dangerous ground. Jesus does not want us to come to him unless we resolve unforgiveness and conflict in our lives. (Matthew 5:23-25 23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.) I am not here to preach to any of you about this – I am writing about this because I realize I have a problem with this myself and have to deal with it every day. Remember that forgiveness does not mean that the other person is right; it removes the pain associated with that hurt. Forgiveness is not easy – in fact, it takes supernatural help to truly do it. Please take a moment to reflect – think about what you need. Think about who you need to forgive. Maybe it is a close family member, a former friend, a current co-worker…maybe it is you. Ask God to help you do it. I promise you, this burden was not meant for you to carry, and once you let it go, you will feel as light as air. I know that I need to do the same thing. In the meantime – I’ll be baking bread…and thinking of you, my friends.

Three Worlds I live in three worlds – work, home, family. I have an important role in each of these three worlds and try as I must, I can’t seem to get it all together in all three. I fail, it seems in all places. At work, I can’t seem to meet the demands put on me…I struggle. And because I struggle, others that rely on me do too. Every day I feel like I’m chipping away at the side of Mount Everest. I derive little satisfaction from what I do there, maybe because the other worlds demand so much attention and mental devotion. Home – something is always piled up – dishes, laundry, toys. While I think that overall things have gotten better, I still struggle with systems and processes to keep up with the day-to-day demands of my home. Family – there is always a little voice demanding my attention. But somehow I have to figure out how to balance that out with the other two worlds when in reality I just don’t want to. I don’t want to balance these three worlds – I want to simplify, change, move around and focus on what is really important – family and only family. But that is just not realistic for me at this time. So what do I do? I don’t have a good answer…I compartmentalize…I allow my daughter to watch too many movies when I’m trying to work from home…I do dishes when the roughhousing begins. My oldest has stopped asking me to play with her…and I feel like I should suggest that we play with something but I know that somehow I won’t be able to hold up my end of the bargain. And my heart breaks a little. And I know how I want to change it, but it would take a miracle. I’m OK with that…I believe it could happen. I keep praying for that miracle.

Half Way There If you are like me, you start the work week begrudgingly…trying to keep a good attitude for the kids. “School will be fun! You get to see your friends and have recess!” “Daycare will be great – you get to play with your buddies!” But of course, the truth is – none of us is happy about it. Tuesday is really a pointless day in the week – too close to the beginning to feel like you’ve made it anywhere, not further enough into the week to feel like you are almost there. But Wednesday OH WEDNESDAY! Thank goodness for “hump day”. Just getting through Wednesday feels like the climb up the mountain was somehow bearable. Maybe you even think to yourself, “Hey, that wasn’t so bad – I can make it!” It’s nice to make it half way – to feel that sense of accomplishment, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Making it half way of course assumes that you can see the end point. That is the trouble, though isn’t it? In this life we can’t see the end point – we don’t know the landmarks that tell us we are almost there. It is human nature to be striving towards some sort of goal – some lofty motivator for all that we do. You could argue as a person of faith that heaven is that goal – that everything we should be doing is pointing us there and we need to be sure to stay the course. I cannot argue with you on that point. However, I believe that our God wants us to focus on the journey – the relationships, the connections, the love that we share with others. John 13:35 says, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (emphasis mine). But if you are like me, it is just so darn hard to love people! Sure, I respect all people as those created in God’s image and really strive to live out that belief in how I treat others. My family members, close friends, and even some acquaintances – yes, I DO love them. But once I get outside that group, I really struggle. This journey I’m on, I can’t see the goal, I don’t recognize the sign posts, I have only now to experience and somehow practice love with all that I encounter. It is clear that I need supernatural help on this one. But thankfully, God has got me covered on this one. Mark 11:24 says, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” So Father, I ask you now, teach me how to love so I don’t have to worry about where I’m at during this journey. Please let me know that I’m right where I am supposed to be. Let that be enough.

Grace I didn’t want to face today. No specific reason, calamity or concern, I just didn’t want to do it. I went to bed too late, did not properly prepare as I normally do. The phone rings too early to be a normal call and I stumble out of bed to answer it. It is Kayla’s school closed due to weather. I sit on the edge of the bed a bit perplexed. There was no weather warning – no big hoopla on the news last night. I tell Jerry that I will stay home with her and lay back down. Minutes later I’m up with Abby…pondering the gift that is today. The gift of being home when it was not planned or even hoped for. I pray my normal morning prayers and it’s as if God is smiling down at me. I thank him for this day. I’m overwhelmed by the grace he has given me and wonder about the purpose of today. You see, there were only a handful of schools closed today – the main school district in our town closed along with Kayla’s school and a few others. It just doesn’t make sense. I can’t help but think that the Father knew what I needed today and here I am. Working, baking bread and cooking soup, making coffee and enjoying the quiet and productivity that comes from being snug at home. How has God shown his grace to you today?

My Sweet Abigail To my Abigail – a very late birthday tribute. I look in those deep, blue eyes and touch my fingertip to her dimple and watch her wiggle and shoulder sway across the room. This sweet, little baby is NOT a baby anymore, but a toddler?!?!?! I’m in disbelief… I think back to last year at this time – sweet little bundle in my arms sleeping and nursing, waking me up at all hours, cooing, and snuggling, and smelling of sweet, newborn goodness. I look out at the same snow, quietly falling, darkness drifting in… This little girl – the gift I didn’t know I needed…I can’t imagine life without her screeching and boisterous laugh, sweet little hands around my neck, pulling my hair, open-mouthed kisses that sometimes bite. So smart – pointing at what she wants, nodding and shaking her head yes at questions I ask – so staunchly opinionated about life. My sweet Abigail, my life was not complete without you. I’m in awe of the gift that is you and I enjoy every minute we have been given together. In some ways I wish that time would stop, but it is so much more exciting watching you grow and become the sweet little girl God made you to be. I love you my sweet babe.

Fragments There are pieces of thoughts, emotions, and experiences floating around in my head – fragments really of what happened. I think that overall I’ve gotten over the big stuff, but there are still things lingering that I haven’t fully dealt with. There is a heaviness and dread that I sense near my workplace. Maybe it is all of us collectively hurting still from everything that has happened. Time heals all wounds, sure, but that process is slower for some than others. I try my best to stay away from it…to not let that outside influence steal my joy. I am judgmental of people and how they treat others thinking that we should all be a little nicer to each other after what have been through. But then I turn around and I become angry easily over little things. (Fortunately I have learned not to direct this anger towards others.) I think about how fragile life is and how it can be stolen in a moment. It makes me think that I’m not taking enough risks in life; not giving enough, writing enough, loving enough, reaching out enough. That realization is painful, but pain I have not allowed myself to feel and really deal with. For so long I have made excuses about all of those things and now here I stand at the crossroads and realize that I have to go down that challenging road…how can I not after all of this? I think of my friend’s smiling face – always sunny even when others were cruel, when she faced personal struggles, when challenged with anything and everything. I’m so happy to have the memory of her smile. As I put these fragments together I realize what I’m seeing is the picture of someone who is still healing…that someone who can’t admit these things to herself...because she always has it all together… Yes, it’s true, folks…that girl, she’s not perfect. Whew, it feels good to get that out.

Ramped Up So yesterday I wrote about joy and well, today, I’m just a little ramped up and not exactly of the joyful sort. I have found that the last couple of days I’ve been getting worked up pretty easily. As I look from the inside out and evaluate myself, I realize I’m just overreacting. I’m just trying to figure out why that is just so second nature of me. I’ve been a pretty intense person since I can remember. My Mom recently told me about how when I was a little over a year old (about Abby’s age), I would do the throw-yourself-on-the-floor tantrums. Growing up, I always wanted just that one close friend and was always on the lookout for her. I had that best friend just about every year, but found my high school years to be a bit more challenging in the best friend department. I think that people were just overwhelmed with me. When I was your friend, I was your friend all the way – no holds barred and I think I just scared people away. Because of the experiences I had with people rejecting me through the years or not completely opening up to me, I got kinda choosy with my friends and that is where I am today…a little wary, a bit cautious, making sure I don’t bowl people over with me, me, me!!! (Ask my sisters about this. They put up with it because they have to! Love you both!) I’m a bit intense, you see, but have found ways over the years to reserve the total freak outs for situations that require them. But every-once-in-awhile I regress. Today was one of those days. Every little thing just put me (mentally) over the edge until I could feel my heart just pounding in my chest. “What the heck is going on here?” is all I could think. I start to pray…I realize it comes back to fear…fear of a situation, a memory, an unlikely possibility. You see, fear is what paralyzes me, what paralyzes all of us. Today it manifest in me in panic – a sense of being off kilter. I think of each situation and one-by-one I pray them off – handing each one to God. My heart rate slows down, the panic leaves. Now I can breathe and welcome the joy. I re-read yesterday’s post – I return to this center. Oh what a challenging theme I’ve chosen! What is your theme / resolution for this year? What keeps you centered?

Joy – Only Joy So, I’ve already told y’all that I don’t do New Year’s resolutions and that is true. But I’ve been recently inspired by some of my favorite bloggers to name this year. To them, naming the year is a theme or inspiration, focus or center for what the year means to them. To be honest, I read their posts resisting the idea – I’m not one to follow the crowd on anything. But I felt like I needed to pray about it…to ponder if I should do this. Recent events for me have been extremely difficult and here I am not so long after it all happened and I find myself overwhelmed…overwhelmed with the joys of this life. I spent a couple of hours yesterday with just Kayla. This child has a light in her that overwhelms me. She can talk for hours (literally) about a new idea that excites her – building her own sleigh (“Tell Daddy I need the leaf blower for the sleigh”), to a new stuffed animal and all about who the animal is, who her friends are and what she likes to do. As I sat there with her drinking coffee (she – a smoothie) and eating a treat, I was overcome with joy. Joy that can only come from this place deep inside me. How fitting that her name is Kayla Joy – which together means “pure joy”. The next day, I’m on the way to work – passing by views of what should sadden me, worry me, concern me…but they don’t. Happiness comes from the outside, from what happens to us. But joy, no - joy comes from somewhere else – from the spirit. Last month, I wrote the post Winter Wonderland – about finding joy in the dark days. I included James 1:2-3 which says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” Trials should not shake our joy…they may temporarily delay it, but our joy comes from our spirit – from God. As I’ve been praying about a word for this year, many words came to mind – gratitude, giving, contentment…but all of those things naturally flow from joy. Joy is where I must begin. Joy when my children are laughing and playing…joy when they are screaming and crying…joy when I’m ridiculed and talked about…joy when I’m honored. Joy, only joy, only joy. My daughter’s middle name, the shorter form of my mother’s name, the source of hope and perseverance. So here it is – this year…JOY – this is where I will return, where I center myself, where I remember why I’m here.

Two Days Lost Sorry for my temporary absence here. It seems we have succumbed to the stomach bug going around these parts…first Jerry, then me, than Kayla. I’m praying that Zach and Abby don’t get it and truly believe that they won’t. Please support me in praying for them and not talking anything otherwise into existence. (I believe words have power – a post for another day.) So here it is two days later and I’m in a fog…not quite 100% and not quite sure what I should be doing. Not well enough to go to work, not sick enough to be in bed…sure that I need to take it easy, not sure I am making the right decisions about anything. Sickness has a way of making you feel that things won’t ever truly be right…each day passes slowly and deliberately and you count the hours on the clock praying that it will be over yet not really believing that it will ever end. Yet it does and if you are like me, you wonder where those days went…it is as if they are lost in oblivion. I suppose in some ways they are lost. I don’t get sick very often, but when I do it seems to help me put things into perspective – it makes me thankful. I’m thankful that Zach and Abby are fine. I’m thankful for a warm, comfy bed to recover in. I’m thankful that we all slept peacefully last night. I’m thankful for my soft couch to rest my achy bones on. I’m thankful for the quiet. And strangely enough I’m thankful that I haven’t wanted to eat much the last few days. It makes me think that the raging headache I had wasn’t part of the illness but a serious sugar / carbohydrate withdrawal…which of course makes me think that I have a problem to address. I do, but that is something to write about on another day. For now, I’m just quiet…trying not to move too much…resting, eating sparingly, making sure Kayla is taken care of and just trying to become strong again. Maybe these two days aren’t a loss, but a hard dose of perspective…something I needed. Just one more thing to be thankful for.

Crisp and Cold The decorations are down, the lights are dark, the pine needles vacuumed away…my living room is shadowy and empty. It’s amazing how a month of red, shiny, glowing items can transform a room – bring so much cheer and then suddenly be swept away as if it were never here. Taking down the decorations each year for me takes some kind of herculean effort that I seem to muster up at odd hours of the night (finished the clean up at 1:30am). I had been avoiding it for hours, but after awhile, I just knew it was time to face it. The next day, the kids have the worst morning on record…there is crying, screaming, resistance on every level…Kayla wants to go back to bed, Zachary wants to know where the tree went, Abby keeps pointing to the empty corner with an odd look on her face. (If you heard great wailing wherever you were this morning, I guarantee that was the sound of my children mourning this great loss.) It’s so hard to move on after Christmas…it’s as if the whole year crescendos at that moment. And even though we don’t really recognize it or acknowledge the build up through the year – it seems to be there silently pushing us on. But today, there is no build up; it is quiet and stark. It snowed here today…a silent, steady, fluffy, flaky cloud of white. As I walked outside, I stopped for a moment. I’m always in awe of the ultra quietness of a snowstorm. It’s as if the whole world is sleeping…hibernating…waiting. Waiting for next Christmas, for the rebirth, for the next celebration. Yet for me, it all seems too far away to begin any countdown. I go home, look around my house…the holiday clutter is gone – everything is crisp, clean, cold. I’m at peace here – I don’t know what will happen next, I don’t know what direction I will take, I don’t know what to look forward to…so maybe I just need to look up instead. He’s been waiting, I’m sure.

Looking at the World with New Eyes – Part 4 (Take a look at Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.) So where do I go from here? How do I move on from this? I go back to work. I look down to the parking lot – I feel peace, I am not afraid. I try to help others that are hurting…I share the vision with some. I will never understand why…why this happened, why I was meant to see it, why I was there. But in some small way I hope that God has put me there to make a difference. I don’t think I fully know what that is yet. I’m not perfect and sometimes when I look at this world I am afraid…it is dark and cold these days and the pain of losing my friend is almost too much to bear. But that fear and pain cannot win, cannot steal my joy, cannot rule my life. I see the sun rise – its golden beams reflecting off the nearby glass. I face it, let it light up my face… Time slips away…its healing waters drifting by… In this early January, I yearn for spring, for the new world of the hope that can be. I will never forget, but I don’t live in that moment, that pain, that horror anymore. I see Jesus, I only see Jesus; thank you Jesus, thank you.

Looking at the World with New Eyes – Part 3 (To read Part 1 click here. To Read Part 2, click here.) But then there is Monday night, when it all changed. I call a good friend and plead for his prayers. What happens next is unbelievable…not the big flash in the sky, loud, dramatic unbelievable…but the still, small kind. But isn’t that how God is? A gentleman waiting…just waiting for us. But of course, he was there all along with me. There are so many what ifs about that day. I never, ever, get to work that early and there is no reason I should have been there that early. I had not eaten breakfast – I should have stopped. Had I stopped, I would have been in the parking lot at the time this all happened…There was a least one stray bullet… Another co-worker was late – he would have parked right where it happened and gotten out of his car at the same time. A good friend of the victim cut her finger and walked away from the same view of what happened. Her gentle spirit would have been crushed by the view that I had. All near misses… We are talking – my friend and I and he begins to pray for my memories of this to be healed…for that dark place in my mind to be released. As we were both praying, I see an image of the situation in my head – the place, the circumstances, the people. As I saw this image, I see in my mind’s eye the image splitting in half and Jesus rising up through it. As he rose up, I could hear him in my mind saying, “I control what happens in this place.” He said it over and over and over. I could see him rising up higher and higher and the image crumbling as if it were rocks crumbling. Then all at once it was as if a large flat rock covered the image completely – the whole parking lot and the foundation of the building where I work. Jesus grew larger and larger and his foot covered the spot where the incident occurred. I could see the scar on his foot from the crucifixion. At this point he was taller than the clouds. He said to me, “Jenny, you don’t see this incident anymore. You only see me.” I feel like I have been delivered from something significant. I don’t have that dread that I had just a few minutes ago. The image is there, but it is not a dark spot in my mind. I see Jesus – I see him standing there – I see rock covering that place. I’m in awe of Jesus gift to me, of his healing, of his great love for me and all who I tell of this. Some may think I’m crazy when I tell this, but I don’t care. I will tell it anyway to those that I believe God wants me to tell. Go to Part 4.

Looking at the World with New Eyes – Part 2 (To read Part 1, click here.) But it isn’t over yet for me… It is the weekend, I try to function as normal as I can, but I’m angry. The WHY floods my thoughts and my anger rises against this nameless, faceless person. Why choose to make a victim of my friend? But why also make a victim of the rest of us that were witnesses? The rest of us that were nearby when it happened? Then I feel guilt – “How important am I here? What about her family? Their pain must be overwhelming.” I snap at others – my mind racing – the incident replays over and over in my head. I pray more – peace comes over me. I get to Sunday night thinking that I can make it. I can go into work the next day. I wake up on Monday – I just can’t do it, I can’t, I can’t move from this place. Overall, I feel peace, I am not afraid. I no longer feel anger towards the shooter. But this incident does not leave my mind. It replays over and over. I can’t go more than a few minutes without thinking about it. There is a dark place in my mind and heart and nothing will release it. We go somewhere and I am overwhelmed trying to watch people around us. “Why did this person do that? That one over there? Are they too close to us?” I don’t trust this world anymore. It is ugly, dark, harsh, not where I belong, not how things should be. But then there is Monday night, when it all changed. Go to Part 3.

Looking at the World with New Eyes – Part 1 I’m looking at the world with new eyes and it’s not what I want to do. I want to look around me in trust and peace and with the general idea that there are good things out there, good people, but something is in the way. Something has happened, you see, something that makes it all different. A couple of weeks ago, I witnessed a horrible tragedy – my co-worker and friend brutally attacked – injuries that a day and a ½ later would end her life. I was looking down from the 2nd floor of the building where I work watching it happening, calling 911, trying to comprehend what I had just witnessed. It was awful, horrible, shocking, senseless, baseless, wrong on every level. I remember thinking in that split second before my mind allowed me to act, “I can’t believe what I’m seeing right now – why am I seeing this? Why do I have to witness this?” The next couple of hours are a blur – she is taken away alive (miraculously), the shooter captured, people all around me acting heroically – demonstrating the good that we humans have in each one of us. I tell the authorities what I know, I go home. I sit at the kitchen table, crouched over, my eyes wide – my senses numb. I try to eat breakfast – everything is tasteless, dull, sawdust. Jerry is home with the kids that day – they are trying to talk to me and hug me and I just can’t move. I am frozen… I cry at the horror, the pain, at the fear of not understanding or knowing what happens next. I hear a loud sound, I jump – “What was that,” I croak? Just one of the kids jumping off the couch. Each email chime from my phone is a lifeline of information…it was not a random act. A relief in some ways to know, but then the questions rise up in me like a flood…WHY? Yet I know that no answer or reason will ever make sense to me – ever. I stay home, I lay down, I close my eyes, but I don’t sleep. I pray. I feel His peace come over me. I know that others are praying for me – I know that I must pray for my friend. I know that deep down, she won’t make it. I don’t accept that as an answer. I pray for her soul. She dies late the next night. But it isn’t over yet for me… Go to Part 2.

Not Doing All around me I see activity – change, changes, changing…but here I sit in the not doing. You see, I’m not doing those things that many of you are doing…oh, don’t get me wrong – I’m not here to judge. Those things you are doing are all well and good – for you – but for me, I need to live in the not doing for just a big longer. I’m not doing resolutions… I’m not doing un-decorating… I’m not doing the calendars and lists for the weeks and months ahead… I’m not doing tomorrow and pondering what it will bring… I’m not doing that hoping or pining for another day… I’m not doing the post on that recent tragedy… You see, if I don’t do those things, I don’t have to move on from the past, the celebrations, the pain, the here and now…and I need to be here, right here, for just a little longer. I need to look at what is in front of me – those sweet little faces, my quiet husband holding my hand, recent laughter with family, today’s date on the calendar, the hands on the clock, the fear that threatens to overshadow me, the pain that I can only handle spoonfuls of at a time. I need to focus on now…just right now and breathe and take it all in. Tomorrow is practically here and with that I will find my resolve to face these things… But for now, I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it.

Community is What You Make It I have been very reflective lately – this is such a busy time with Christmas and a recent tragedy on my mind. (Sorry, I’m not ready to discuss it here yet.) In times like this you rely on people close to you to celebrate and also process tough experiences. We have lived in our neighborhood for 7 years and for some reason, it has been incredibly difficult to meet people. Most people on our quiet street are, well, quiet and are not out that much. If they are out it always seems to be on off times from when we are out. The people we have met have been nice, but we have not formed any close friendships – something that has been frustrating to me for a long time. But look at the title of this post – community is what you make it and well, I just didn’t realize how important that was for me here in my quiet corner of the world and for a friend I recently said good bye to. For me – being with family and getting to know the people that are close are very important to me, but I have not made the effort probably in both camps to really foster the community I’ve been craving. My friend, on the other hand, made her mark, built her community and at her memorial a diverse group of people paid their respects. It was something to see and something I will never forget. My 5 year old daughter, Kayla, said last week, “Mommy, Daddy, I want to give a candy cane to everyone on our street for Christmas.” Brilliant! Jerry secured the candy canes and a few days later Kayla and I spent 1 hour and 15 minutes handing out candy canes. We met nearly every one of our neighbors. I can’t believe that she figured out how to solve this 7 year problem I’ve had with such a simple gesture. I believe this is the start of something big – a tradition – a means of reaching out. I’m not really sure what yet. All I know is that I’m in awe of this sweet girl and the impact she is having on me and my idea of what community is. So as the holiday season is ending, keep that sense of community and common goals and purpose alive with your neighbors, friends, and family. Reach out, pay attention, find ways to care and communicate. It could be the start of something big for you also.

Purpose It has been exceptionally windy and cold the last few days – even unusual for our area. One day I was looking out the window watching the trees and snow blow to and fro and my eyes caught a leaf. Now seeing a leaf in December means a brown, crinkled, sad excuse for a piece of vegetation. This leaf had definitely seen better days. But what caught my eye was how it was blowing – in a circle – round and round and up and down. This seemed to go on for minutes – longer than you would expect for something like this. It was as if it was trying to tell me something as I quietly watched and pondered. And then it finally struck me – this leaf was living out its last purpose - to blow around and around and go on its way to most likely, its final destination. And it was as if it was actually enjoying the journey. How simple is that lesson for us? For many years I moved so fast – I multi tasked in the car (not while driving), I felt as though I had to read a certain number of books and do certain activities even while on vacation. I rarely sat down to watch a movie without doing needlepoint or folding laundry or some other task at the same time. I was at a breakneck pace and not going anywhere. I don’t remember where it all changed for me – I know it was definitely a process – a slow one. Ironically at my busiest time, which I believe to be now, I actually make an effort to relax more now than ever before. I’m really starting to enjoy this journey – I’m working hard at seeing the world through my children’s eyes – listening to the creative stories of my 5 year old, the wacky humor of my (almost) 3 year old, the sweet innocence of my 1 year old. I’m no longer moving so fast, I’m no longer striving for treasures that have no value in heaven, I’m no longer stressing about the state of my house (OK, annoyed at times, but definitely not stressed). I’m starting to see that the purpose for which God created for me is what I’m finally starting to live – and it feels so good, so right, and so peaceful at the core of my being. I have more work to do, that is for sure and I will never be perfect, but I’m so thankful that I’ve opened my heart to this possibility – to be the woman that God created me to be.

Winter Wonderland Our first big snow came down last night. I’m not a big fan of winter really, but I love the first snow fall as it always seems to coat everything perfectly in a sparkling white blanket. I marvel at each covered bush, tree, and field. It seems as if I’m in a different world. I also love the soft glow of Christmas lights under the snow. I’m looking out there loving the snow – something that isn’t always true for me. But I’m sure another day will come in the near future where I won’t love the snow. The days will seem darker, the snow – harsher. I’ll look outside and groan and wish for it all to be gone. It’s interesting that the same exact phenomenon can occur and we can react so differently to it. But maybe I won’t do that…maybe I won’t groan. And the only reason that can happen is that somehow I change on the inside. Isn’t that how life is anyway? Things happen and we are tempted to react, to become emotional, to let our feelings rule our lives. But do we really need to do that? James 1:2-3 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” Pure joy during trials? Well, that is not an emotional response – it is a faith response. So wherever you are and whatever you are going through, look out your front window and choose a faith response today.

Love Washes Over Me The last couple of weeks have been out of the norm for us. Our daycare is closed temporarily necessitating either Jerry or I to be home with the kids. It has been two years since I have been able to be home with all of the kids for whole days at a time on a regular basis. While this time together has not been 100% easy, I’m very thankful to have it and to relearn who these awesome little people are in my life. So many of my friends and relatives have been sharing their words of gratitude for their families and their situations (even if not ideal) the last couple of days. It has really got me thinking about where I am in the chaos of this time where I’m half at home and half at work and the brilliance of God’s divine wisdom for us. It makes me think of my youngest sister – tiny-less-than-two-weeks-old-baby in her arms – working through these first two survival weeks and yet she is thankful for all stages of parenting. And I remember that stage – just a year ago – so fresh in my mind. The bone crushing fatigue, the irrational moments of truly believing that I cannot go on, the crying, the endless diapers, the questioning of my own sanity. It’s as fresh in my mind as a raw wound and my heart aches. I think of my older children – of sleepless nights, of them puking, bleeding, spitting, and smearing snot on me. I think of those absolutely heart wrenching and heart breaking moments and I am in awe of where I am. In the early days of being a new mom, I remember being angry – not at my child, but at how different things were and how I just couldn’t get a handle on all these changes and constant, new experiences every moment – everyday. It was hard to deal with that anger, but I knew I had to let it go. I think to an exceptionally bad night with my youngest and I remember saying to her as she was screaming and crying, “I don’t care what it takes, but I will not leave you alone tonight – if that means being up all night.” When I felt that I was at the lowest point I could be, an overwhelming wave of love engulfed me and I held on to her tightly. And even though I felt as if every bone in my body would break, I held her nearly all night. As I remember that night, I’m so thankful for how far I have come. This inexplicable love that came over me that night (and countless other times in this journey of parenthood) is nothing that I could manufacture or conjure up or borrow – it was, and still is divine. It has occurred to me many times that this is just but a small glimpse of God’s love for us. How overwhelming it must be for Him to watch us even in our lowest and most flawed states and still feel that intense and never ending love for us. I’m thankful that God has given me this divine love for my children. I pray that you find that quiet moment in your own parenting chaos to welcome His love for you and pass it on to your little ones.

It’s a Different Kind of Warmth This time of year in the upper Midwest we usually welcome the first real snow fall. This is the one that makes a serious effort to fill the sky and attempt, sometimes successfully, to actually cover the ground. Today was that day. As I watched the clumps of fluffy flakes fall, I thought about how cold - on a day like today - makes you want to be warm. It’s a different kind of warmth, though. Not the same kind you welcome on a sunny, summer day. Not the kind that warms your face just enough in the spring, but warmth that you welcome and seek out by what you do. We light a wood burning fire to feel the warmth and smell the smoky wood and hear the crackling pops. We make coffee to feel the warmth in our hands and the sensation of it slowly inching down our throats until we feel it spread throughout our bodies. It’s the warm, thick potato cheese soup that you eat faster and faster until you burn your tongue and suddenly it’s as if your whole body is suddenly on fire and you start to sweat a little bit. It’s the warmth of a single jar candle that has been burning all day. The temperature on the thermostat may be no different, but I’m convinced that candle – maybe just the smell of it – has warmed the house. It’s the warmth of family and friends, close to us – maybe physically close or close in our hearts. It’s this thing we do – we seek warmth, but it’s a different kind. So those of you who don’t like winter (and trust me I can identify) because of the cold, snow, and dark days – take a break from what you see and light a candle, a fire, put on a snuggly blanket, hug your children, snuggle with your spouse and focus on the warmth that you feel – close your eyes – shut out the darkness and choose this different kind of warmth. It will warm and light up your heart.

Three Jewels

I stare at my right hand, ring finger at the 3 little jewels in this band of gold. You can catch me doing this every once in awhile – studying the stones. I love jewelry like any other woman does, but this isn’t why I’m staring…why I’m taking in the colors, the shimmer, the uniqueness of each stone. No, these stones represent my children – this is my mother’s ring. Jerry insisted that I get this ring and of course, I’m all for new jewelry so I agreed. When it came in, I almost didn’t like it – sad but true. The stones didn’t fit together, the white gold made my finger look pasty, I couldn’t get used to the order I had chosen for the stones. I didn’t know what finger to wear it on…blah, blah, blah. (You are probably starting to understand that I’m picky and almost OCD about certain things.) After a few months of wearing it, I decided that the emerald just didn’t look right in the setting – it seemed off center. The jeweler agreed and 4 weeks later (after having to replace the emerald 2 times) I ended up with a ring that fit better, looked better, and actually was worth more. This emerald was now a natural emerald instead of lab created – and it sparkled.

And so I stared more intently…I was in awe of how different the ring was – but was it really? Or was I different? These lifeless stones now meant something to me. Each stone representing a child – so precious, unique and irreplaceable.

A deep emerald with inclusions that months after wearing it – I still discover something new. The emerald is my Kayla – and isn’t that true of her? There are layers to this child that I never stop discovering. She makes me laugh, cry, and just love her more because of the unique, intense little girl that she is.

Amethyst for Zach – my zany one. All boy – loud, fast, and multifaceted. He runs laps one second and then climbs in my arms, kissing me and saying he loves me the next. So what I need.

Citrine for Abby – shiny and bright – this stone stands out from the rest. Not because she is better than the other kids, but because she was the gift I didn’t know I needed in my life. Her laugh is contagious, boisterous and I’ll never forget the complete surprise I felt the first time I heard it. She may be little, but she always makes sure her voice is heard.

These 3 little jewels in this twisted metal – tarnished and scratched – gleaming, sparkling, always catching my eye. Reminding me that the gift of these children God gave me not once, not twice, but three times. I am in awe that he would choose me to parent these children.

Oh - I mess up, I yell, I’m impatient, I will never be perfect – yet God still chose me for them. So I keep looking and marveling over these wonderful gifts. And as I admire I thank you, Father for choosing me.

Traditions With the holidays right around the corner, this time of year is ripe with traditions of all kinds. While there are the “biggies” – the turkey at Thanksgiving and the tree for Christmas, there are many small traditions this time of year that just warm my heart. Even though we are in a large metro area, the town next to us has a small town feel to it with a park in the city center. Every year they put up a lit Menorah, lights on the big pine tree, play Christmas music, and put up a near life size nativity set. What is so great about this nativity set is that they have a set of wise men that travel through the park to see baby Jesus. The set went up yesterday and as they are every year, the wise men are set far back in the park away from the nativity set. Every week or so they travel to see the baby Jesus. Our kids love this – we drive past the park every few days to see if the “wise guys” have moved. This is such a simple thing that me makes me happy deep inside.

Some other simple traditions we love:

• Enjoying a warm, wood burning fire and watching the parade on Thanksgiving day. That last few years it has snowed the day before Thanksgiving. There is nothing like coming inside from the cold to the warmth of family and friends in front of a fire.
• Cutting down our Christmas tree on a farm. We always do this the first weekend in December. Some years it has been sunny and 40 degrees. One year it was 20 degrees and a blizzard. We take the kids and they help pick the tree. One year, Kayla ate icicles the whole time.
• Eating the largest cheese pizza we can find as our Christmas Eve dinner with wine of course. The last few years we’ve had a 24 inch pizza that barely fits on the table. The local pizza place we go to knows us and our tradition which for some reason makes it more special.
• Arranging a snack and cookie fest on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. This tradition has evolved over the years. It started at my parent’s house where we would cook appetizers and cookies and load up the table. We went to church on Christmas Eve and then we came back and ate and opened presents and stayed up until obnoxious hours of the morning. Nowadays we usually hold the feast on Christmas Day in the afternoon where Jerry’s family (and whoever else is in town from my family) comes over and we graze all day.

What simple traditions are you looking forward to this season?

One Year Ago One year ago, I was a mama in waiting – waiting the birth of our third child – Abigail Anne. I was tired and frustrated and my heart – oh my heart, was not right. I complained. I was large and slow moving (as you other mamas know about this stage). I would sweat on relatively cool days. I was on a strict diet, frustrated by work and generally just ready for it all to be over. But something started to change at this time – my heart began to soften. Thanksgiving was less than two weeks away – a holiday that was relatively quiet to me growing up had really become one of my favorites as an adult. We started hosting Thanksgiving almost by accident when we first moved into our house. Something about a house full of people, warm and cozy with delicious food was really appealing to me. But not that Thanksgiving – we could not host it because we did not know when Abby would be born. Several months before when we found out we were pregnant with Abby – I remember being shocked and then humbled by God’s plan for us. We weren’t sure about having a 3rd child, but in my heart, I wanted Kayla to have a sister. God intervened and there we were. But my heart wasn’t open. I complained, I was in disbelief. I was happy, but tired from being either pregnant or nursing for the previous two years before. I grumbled, I was discontent. About 10 weeks before Abby was due, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes – my frustration turned to anger. “Why? This shouldn’t be happening”, was all I could think. But then there was Thanksgiving…that quiet day with no extended family – just the 4 of us. We cooked, we napped, we ate…and I began to reflect. I read my pregnancy journal that night. I was shocked at how grumpy I had been all those months. I looked at Jerry and said, “Wow, I really just complained this whole pregnancy.” He looked at me and said, “Yes, you did.” I put the journal away, filled with heaviness. “Forgive me, Father”, I whispered. “Who am I to be discontent with this wonderful gift?” I started shaking almost immediately – the first contraction came minutes later. Two and half hours later, Abby was born – the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. One year ago, gratitude and grace changed me. I’m so thankful for that quiet Thanksgiving, for this sweet, almost 1 year old baby girl, for God who was so bold to give me what I didn’t know I needed to have. It’s never too late – never too late to let His grace wash over you and change you. Move your heart to gratitude these next couple of weeks. Stop the complaining and begin thanking him for something even as simple as the sunshine or the warm coffee in your hand. The softening of your heart will change you forever.

Four Months I know - it really has been four months since I've blogged - maybe none of you are left and I completely understand. Maybe you will come around again or maybe I will pop up in your reader and maybe, just maybe, you will trust that I will write again - frequently...or at least periodically. Explaining my silence may seem odd, so instead of trying to explain, I will just give you the update. And since we are old friends, you will forgive me for the silence and be happy to catch up and we will all happily move on. I'm expecting Baby Powell v3.0 on November 28th. She is a girl and quite an active little one. Kayla is excited to share her room (she doesn't know what she signed up for!) and as my belly grows Zachary just seems to have a knowing way about him. I point at my belly and say, "Baby." He hugs and takes care of one of Kayla's dolls which is encouraging (except for the day he threw her across the room). I am still in awe of God's plan for this baby. After I had Zachary I remember saying to God, "you are really going to have to talk me into having another baby." When the pregnancy test registered that little plus sign (a week after a false negative result), my jaw dropped and I covered my mouth and the tears started. Jerry's knowing smile made me realize that this was for real and this is exactly what we were meant to do. Our baby's name (will publish here after she is born) means "the grace and joy of my Father." I believe that God in his joy has given us this little girl. I'm excited to see what she will be like. Thanks for reading.

The Calm After the Storm I have to confess - I love big events - weddings, graduations, baby showers, and any kind of big party you can imagine. I love the planning, the coordination, the gifts, the outfits, the mental planning, the build up, and the event itself. I love doing something different and "once in a lifetime" every once in awhile. What is hard to deal with is the calm after the storm. I can't help but be a little sad once it is all over - even if the event was not centered around me - even if I was just someone in attendance. It seems that all of that planning should yield a bigger return. It is as if the event should live on just a little bit longer - a little piece each day until it fades away. I have recently discovered that Kayla is the same way. Of course at 3 1/2 she can just cry those sad feelings away. I on the other hand can't get away with that. Furthermore, I need to help her stay up, help her cheer up, help her look to the next, fun thing. There are always memories and pictures and new, fun clothes to wear again, but somehow things aren't the same in this eerie calm. Over the years I've learned how to live in the moment a little bit more, but the only way to get through this deafening calm is to look forward. Or maybe it is simpler than that - I can lose myself in the daily joys around me - Zachary's toothy grin, Kayla's infectious laugh, Jerry's icy blue eyes. Yes, that is where I can live - in the calm before the next storm.

Divine Peace Peace - everyone talks about it - few know how to practice it - including whole nations. So many of us are seeking this peace - peace and quiet, peaceful sleep, peace at home, peace at work. How do we get that peace? Where do we search, what method do we use to achieve peace in this mile-a-minute life? I feel most peaceful when I'm listening to music - mostly Christian music, but not always. A song moves me as waves of music wash over my soul. This is the only way to describe it. It is typically not singing that affects me, but a guitar rhythm usually - a sound that speaks to my spirit directly - almost transcending thought. I can't help but close my eyes and move to the music embracing that divine peace. As a whole we don't take time to be still, to meditate on what God has done for us - to listen to his voice. Find your space, your time, your music to allow God to speak to you in a supernatural way.

Still Awake I'm still awake tonight...as I am many nights about this time. It seems that the normal times that others subscribe to do not fit my lifestyle - or maybe there is something else going on. I have small children as many of you know and when they are finally at peace and asleep I feel as though I can have that bit of fun in the evening that is impossible to do when they are awake. The dilemma is that I lose track of time or just frankly ignore it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm an obnoxious night owl - to the irrational degree. Only because I think I can get away with it - until morning when the first kid wakes up. I guess I could rationalize that I don't want to be one of those people who has literally "slept half of their life away." But maybe I'm just doing too good of a job here. If I figured out on average how many hours of sleep I get a night since the kids were born it would probably be about 5 hours a night. I'm amazed at times that I can still function, but apparently I've adapted. Bottom line, I'm still awake tonight and I don't know how much longer it will be. Anyone out there identify?

More Than Enough I think it is human nature to go through periods of perceived inadequacy. Maybe there is always a sense of that in your life at all times. Maybe the situations or events change, but there is that element of disconcerting instability - the question that lingers in the background, "do they know that I have no idea what I'm doing?" I seem to get on the merry-go-round of inadequacy that rotates every few days. It usually starts with a bad encounter with one of the kids making me doubt if I am a good mother. Next, something happens at work to make me question why I am in the position I'm in. Lastly it just becomes almost dumb luck - I can't seem to do the dishes without breaking things. The dinner I'm attempting just doesn't quite turn out right. (Side note - I'll never forget the dinner I made that Kayla took one look at and started crying. It is funny to think of that now!) A line in a song reminds me that this doubt, fear, anxiety about the roles we play in life are all lies. "We are who we are and it's more than enough." Let me say it again, "more than enough." We've been equipped by God for these relationships and roles that we play and he has provided us with more than enough to be successful as long as we rely on him for all things. It reminds me that I daily have to take the burdens off my back and virtually hand them to God or I can't make it. Before you sleep tonight, make a list of the burdens that plague your mind in one column. In the other column dare to spell out what God says about those burdens. Spend time in prayer handing those things to God. God's peace is waiting - don't put it off.

A Simple Revelation I fancy myself a baker. I love to bake just about anything, but I love and adore baking (and eating) cookies of all kinds. My favorite is classic chocolate chip cookies. My ccc's are slightly crispy and chewy but never crunchy or hard. I have a few secret techniques I use (passed down from my Mom) and have been making said cookies since I can remember. My basic recipe is from the Toll House morsel package (plus the secret techniques I just mentioned). I was reviewing the usual list of ingredients and steps when it dawned on me that I have never - I mean not even once - cooked these cookies at the right temperature. I have always cooked them at 350 degrees and the recipe calls for 375 degrees. I was pretty floored by this simple revelation. How could I have done it wrong the whole time? Have I ever used the right temperature? I don't really know, but I do know that I have never seen the numbers 375 jump off the page as they did today. I couldn't help but take this revelation further - how many other things do I think I know and believe, but don't really have it right? Have I really done the homework I should to ensure that I have all the facts and am making decisions based on those facts? I've been smacked with the constant search and review of the facts the last few weeks. Just when I think I know what is going on with a given situation and maybe have even reacted badly (in my mind, thankfully not towards other people involved) I realized that I needed to review the situation further, check all my bases, make sure the temperature was correct and set it accordingly. Thank God I've done this - life could be much harder than it is right now if I had not. The next time you think you know and have evaluated a situation, ask yourself - do I really know the facts? Have I analyzed this from every angle? Take the time to check into things further - you may be surprised by the simple or even the complex revelation you encounter.

Streams of Consciousness Today was one of those days when the thought processes were so random, they were worth capturing to reflect on the past, present, and future and those burning questions of life. Random Thought #1 - Have you ever had a memory repeat over and over in your head - but one so random and common and meaningless? I keep pondering that there must be a reason - a purpose for revisiting that time, but part of me is afraid to go there. What great mysteries of life am I supposed to learn? Random Thought #2 - Surely there must be a way to stop the time, space continuum so I really can get the laundry, dishes, and prep for the next day complete all while reading a book, crosstiching, Facebooking, and scrap booking. If anyone has found this wrinkle in time, please let me know. Until then, I will continue to hope and believe and go to bed at 1:30am. Random Thought #3 - If I'm not supposed to value material things in this life, why is it so darn hard to pack it all up, contact the charity and get it out the door? Yet, when that process is started (not even completed!) life feels so new and fresh. I hope to live up to this ideal of simplifying and cutting back the clutter that distracts me. Random Thought #4 - If these baby and toddler years are times that I should cherish, why am I too tired to record the happenings of these times? It would be nice to remember coming home to a house of dancing and singing kids and readily joining in to shake the stress of the day. But will I remember that in 5 years? Or will it only be an impression, a tiny, positive murmur in my mind? That seems so sad - to not fully capture a memory like that. Yet, what is the best way? Random Thought #5 - If this is a place for me to capture my ponderings...why do I spend so little time here? Do I fail to ponder or are my ponderings buried under the daily grind? I suppose it is a choice to embrace and reflect or let it slip away. So maybe I had a theme here - sort of. My random thoughts all point to getting back to basics, to simplifying life, embracing memories past and present, living for today, and reflecting on the gifts of life. From here on, I will embrace and reflect more and hopefully make it worth your while to visit my little corner of cyberspace.

Unconditional This post has been rolling around in my head for at least a week and I fear is one of the more difficult things for me to write about. I'm sure we all aspire to love those around us with no strings attached, but rarely succeed. What does it mean to truly love another person unconditionally? I think of Kayla and Zachary when I think about how I learned about love. I think of them so tiny and helpless - relying on me for everything and especially in those early months - relying on me as the food source. Breastfeeding both kids was a challenge, but one I'm glad that I accepted and carried through. I remember rocking Kayla to sleep one night when it just hit me like a ton of bricks how much I loved her and how I would do anything for her - radical, scary, illegal things to protect her and hold her close to me. I also remember the day I realized that all of this nurturing and caring for her was ever slowly preparing her to leave me. That thought was almost too much to bear. I'm thankful that she is still a little girl and I don't have to consider that possibility in the short term. My love for Kayla was so strong I could not figure out how I could love another child and yet when Zachary was born I was overwhelmed with devotion to this little boy. He was a calm little guy who cooed in his sleep. He smiled for the first time when he was only 10 days old - on Valentine's Day of all days. There were always challenges along the way and as you know - that euphoria of love is not always present. As they both have grown, the everyday gets in the way of this pure devotion. I find myself irritated, annoyed, I roll my eyes, I get angry, I yell, avoid, and otherwise behave badly. Guilt sets in...I ponder if I have permanently damaged my relationship with them. The next day dawns and Zachary's smile lights up my world. Kayla tells me she loves me. I realize that the core element to this love - this incomprehensible gift of unconditional love - is forgiveness. Always starting over, always giving the benefit of the doubt, always doing the right thing without keeping record of wrongs. I'm humbled that God chose me to be a mother to such wonderful children. And I realize that this overwhelming, heart-stopping, breathtaking love is only a tiny glimpse of how God feels about me, his child.

Add to the Beauty Yes...this is the title of another song by Sara Groves (I'm definitely stuck on her these days). I would say this is the last in my series of posts on songs, but I'm sure I'll sneak some others in at a later time. When it seems life is dull, dark and otherwise dim, I am often surprised at the beauty that suddenly surrounds me when I look outside. This week has been a complete disaster rife with late nights at work, cranky kids, and more work until the wee hours. Now that it is Friday I just felt like a kid about to to go on summer vacation leaving work today (earlier than I have in probably the last month). (Side note: I'm not sure how I could consider summer vacation today considering the fact that the average temperature today was about 20 degrees and there is about 2 feet of snow on the ground and has been for the past 3 weeks or so, but I digress.) As I entered the rat race (aka I-275 South) I looked to the west and 1. was surprised that it was still light at 5:30pm in January and 2. squinted from the hazy colors in my view. Could it be - the sun??? Yes, indeed - one of the most gorgeous sunsets I've experienced in a long time. Orange, yellow, and red watercolors swirling around that fiery ball. "Whew hew!" is all I could think. In the midst of all of the chaos this week I've been pondering what I'm adding to eternity...to the legacy of this physical experience of living. In the words of the song that inspired this post - "I want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story... I want to shine with the light, that's burning up inside." That light that brightened my afternoon - a gift from God - reminds me that the light we hold inside is what lasts through these dark days. "It comes in small inspirations It brings redemption to life and work To our lives and our work It comes in loving community It comes in helping a soul find it's worth. Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces, calling out the best of who we are." That idea of redemption of our lives and work - thank God for that! I need redemption everywhere these days and here is where I ask you...what is the best of who you are? The best of who you are is the way you love, care, nurture, hold, honor, respect, serve, and pray for people. But most of all - it is the beauty of your true self that seeks to love others at all costs and in all circumstances. "We come with beautiful secrets We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls We come to every new morning With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold" Hold onto the beauty my friends - He is holding onto you.

Unbalanced That is the best word to describe my life right now and it is darn painful. The stress of learning this new position at work - attempting to find the rhythm and balance between work and home, the different schedule, understanding the authority and commitment to my two lives - it is excruciating. When I'm at work, it's like I don't have any other life. I guess that is how my mind chooses to compartmentalize it. I focus on the needs of my team - I'm always thinking to myself - am I serving them the best way possible? Am I ensuring that someday they will be independent and I'm there to run interference only? That is definitely the goal. The everyday annoyances get in my way - email that doesn't quit, meetings for hours and hours, nitpicking and infighting - or maybe just misunderstandings. I feel joy at their successes, I feel pain when they fail. It is as if they are my children away from home (although they are not child-like in anyway). I care for them and want them to be independent and confident. Home is always a mix of schedules that don't seem to fall where they should, overtired children, overflowing baskets of laundry and counter tops full of dishes. (Did I mention perpetual crumbs on the floor?) The changes are taking a toll - Jerry is tired and at his wits end at the end of the day (I felt that way almost everyday I spent at home with the kids also). He has taken on more than his share of the work and he does not complain - almost to the point that I can feel his pain without him even telling me. I break down, we clear the air. I recommit to my side of the work at whatever cost to keep the balance that we need. It reminds me of another favorite song (and you thought I had veered away from my song theme, eh?) Sara Groves again - "When it Was Over" from the "Add to the Beauty" CD. In this song it is a hidden line buried in a verse that touches me to the core - "There is a hope that whispers a vow, a promise to stay while we're working it out." I'm so grateful that Jerry whispered that vow - that he has promised to stay while I'm working this out. I would never have expected anything less, but I needed that confirmation in the middle of my breakdown. But isn't that how life is anyway? We are always trying to work things out - our lives are always a piece of artwork in progress. We don't really understand what the medium is we are using or what the colors are, but maybe we get a glimpse of that pure love or purpose that God has given us in the hug of a friend, the sincerity of a compliment, the discussion of the spiritual realm. The song's main chorus - "Love wash over a multitude of things, make us whole" reminds us that only love can make us whole. We get a glimpse of that in the love of family, friends, and our spouses. Someday that wholeness - that perfect love of God will be truly known to us. In the meantime, we remain unbalanced and live our days working it out with the promise of that vow - that he is always with us.

Look for the Holy In the Common Place Well, it appears a theme is emerging for my posts as of late. Something like-I-have-been-severely-music-deprived-and-have-been-listening-to-my-favorite-Cd's-like-crazy-on-the-commute-and-have-somehow-reconnected-with-the-deeper-side-of-my-soul. Or in short, quotes from songs I love. The title of this post is from a Sara Groves song called "Just Showed Up for My Own Life" from "Add to the Beauty". Now the title of the song alone could be a post, but I'll just stick to this line stuck in the middle of the song. Sara talks about not just showing up and going through the motions but truly finding God in everything you do. To me that is best summed up by this simple line: by looking for the holy in the common place. (Yes, I am separating commonplace into two words, only because the lyrics posted on Sara's web site have it spelled out that way and it is a great twist on a familiar term.) It is not commonplace as in a saying, cliche, or reference to boring and undistiguishable, but truly a place that appears common, but has tiny hints of the creator's mark on them. Take some everyday scenes on the commute - snowbanks on every corner, darkness in the morning, the white glow of the moon. Pretty standard stuff - but look a little closer. The snowbanks sparkle more brilliantly than manufactured glitter. The darkness is hiding the deep blue of the daylight intensifying into the red, orange, and yellow of the sunrise. (Winter sunrises are the most crisp and colorful of all times of the year.) The moon ever changing - and as Kayla said every morning this week - "the moon is missing a piece, Mama. Where did it go?" (You tell me how to explain that to a 3 and 1/2 year old.) A wonder to behold - this changing of the moon - at any age. What is your common place? Maybe it is the glow of the computer screen, the sound of screaming children, the crawl of the rat race commute? Take a moment to pause and look around you...marvel at what the creator has given you...he wants you to look for these gifts...his holiness...his perfection. He loves you and is waiting for you to discover him in your common place. Start searching today.

Am I Singing? I can't help but ask myself this question. I get so sucked into the everyday...the drudgery, the repetition, the predictability of it all. Have I left room for the song...for the song of my soul? Those of you who are parents of young children know that time spent with your spouse or even alone to meditate is nearly impossible to realize. But as your children grow you find that little space for reflection. Maybe it is in the shower...in the car...the few minutes before you fall asleep. For me today, it was in the car. I was listening to one of my favorite bands of all time, U2 - "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb." I highly recommend anything that U2 has ever done, but especially this CD. Critics of this CD would likely mention the use of Christian themes and images throughout to sell a cheap, emotional experience (or worse, alienate the listener). But I think those critics missed the point. U2 is not borrowing Christian themes and images for fun or because they may promote some pseudo spiritual experience. They truly believe this stuff. There is no way a song like "Yahweh" was written without a knowledge of several portions of scripture and then a personal revelation of what that means to the writer. I am blown away by the depth of each track on this album and how I'm personally changed by the message of this song and several others on the CD. (Sidenote - who doesn't love the Edge's brilliant, unique guitar riffs?) Back to my point - to tell you about one of my favorite parts of the song - "take this soul, stranded in some skin and bones, take this soul and make it sing." I played the song again wondering, pondering, reflecting on this question - is my soul singing? I think that for a better part of the past year my soul was crying and laughing and agonizing and intensely analyzing everything and pondering every part of the emotional spectrum. But singing? Definitely not. But today I realized that this indescribable gift of joy is welling up in me. Joy at my big girl Kayla dancing around our living room...joy at Zachary vibrating because he is standing without help...joy at the knowing, mischievous twinkle in Jerry's eyes. This joy, a gift that only God can give...joy of knowing that his purposes continue to work and flow through me and that he continues to give me hope in all circumstances. Nothing else matters.

I Don't Do Resolutions... ...but I decided to resolve with my good friend / brother-in-law Kal (check out his Moblog and Kal in Space) to starting writing in the blog more often (detailed goals - a closely guarded secret). So for those of you who are still lurking around (thanks!) look forward to seeing new posts here soon.

Resisting Sleep So here I am, resisting sleep. It seems like my days are spent focusing on the kids so much and their needs that when they go to sleep, I get my second wind...wide eyed and awake until the wee hours wondering what the heck I'm doing and why the heck I'm doing it. I almost become euphoric thinking about it all. It usually starts when I'm getting Zachary ready for bed and nursing and rocking him to sleep. I start to think, I could find that missing (fill in item here) that I haven't seen in months. I'm convinced it is located (fill in location here). I know I can find it - never mind I've been looking for that same item in the same three locations for 3 months. I could write in my journal, update both kid's baby books, organize pictures, read the five books collecting dust in my night stand, read through the latest Ikea catalog, Pampered Chef catalog, all while randomly flipping through the latest Parents and Parenting magazine. (Seriously, why the heck don't those two magazines just merge? They copy each other's articles every month and you can barely tell them apart on the newsstand...different font doesn't count.) As soon as Zachary is in bed and I've snuggled with Kayla for a few minutes, I step into this Mommy's paradise...NIGHTTIME!!! I fully intend to do the things mentioned above, but I turn on my laptop to innocently check email and suddenly I'm shopping for makeup...I'm learning more about a perfume I just tried on at the store, I'm checking the tracking number on my latest Amazon purchase. An email with it's melodic ding pops up...doesn't matter if it is worth reading or not - I go and read...I remember someone I didn't email back earlier. I send the email...I read my favorite blogs...I lament over the extreme out of dateness of my own blog... I look at the time...12:04am...dishes still waiting, experiment ring in the toilet, clothes quietly crinkling to unmanageable lumps in their baskets, crumbs on the table... The baby monitor quietly coos...a tiny static crackle here and there.. If only morning would not come...or stealthily delay its appearance. Alas, all fun things must come to an end...the shower is calling this tired body.

Kaylic I'm sure those of you with small children eventually come to know their own native language. Ever since Kayla was old enough to utter sounds she has been making some interesting ones. When she was about 5 months old she started out by growling or heavy breathing as we liked to call it. For awhile she earned the name, "Darth Baby" because of the funny sounds she was making. Most babies coo or razz, Kayla would growl in delight. It was the funniest sound we had ever heard. When she was about 18 months old and starting to say words she would sometimes break into a babble that we dubbed "Kaylic." You could tell she was saying something very serious and she would look at us as if to say, "Why don't you understand these profound things that I'm saying?" Now that Kayla is older (3 years old) and consistently speaks in complete sentences, I thought it would be fun to update you on some of the new words she is saying: Han-gah-ber - hamburger. (I think this is a childhood classic and just about every kid I've known has said this. Love it!) Va-po-ra-tor - vaporizer. Ma-zah-gine - magazine. Ma-gah-log - cross between a magazine and a catalog. I was pretty proud of her for coming up with this one. She also likes to make up words with one of her pals at daycare. One of the words that seems to stick is this: Schwapped - to set down or throw down forcefully. This seems to be the meaning of the word, but she uses it in many different contexts. Such as, "I schwapped down on the couch to watch a movie." Hope you've enjoyed your short lesson in Kaylic.

The Update So I'm finally getting around to giving y'all the update - sorry for the lateness in responding! I am still getting this frequent blogging thing together. I've been back at work for a month now and things are very slowly coming together (hence my absence). The first day I dropped off Zachary at daycare I was in my car crying...trying to calm down enough to drive. When I finally slowed down, I turned on the radio and the first line of a familiar song played, "It's not the end of the world, it's just another day, standing on grace." I stopped for a moment and listened again and laughed. Oh great, God, you always know what I need. Truly this separation, this change, is not the end of the world, but just another day in a sea of changes. Since then there have been ups and downs. Downs - finding out that Zachary cried a lot and didn't take the bottle for several days at daycare. Ups - finally after three weeks having him happy and cooing and playing at daycare. Downs - not getting much sleep due to the new schedule and both kids waking up on and off. Ups - finding the sweet spot in the schedule and having them both finally sleeping better. I appreciate all of you for your nice comments in previous posts and asking how things were going. From now on I'll try to write more.